Shake-yo-ass-peare, Billy don't be a Hero...

I performed in a piece of highly regarded "Car-park Shakespeare" this summer. It rained a lot, a number of audience members tried to initiate dogging during my most chilling monologues perhaps in tribute to when Rupert Everett played the role. Or maybe because I played the entire role with my park turned on them and speaking in a hush....I'll never know. I'll tell you this: I left with a pocket full of broken dreams but with a new best friend: Bill Shakespeare.

The play incidentally was Much Ado About Nothing. The title was originally meant as a sarcastic riff on the little seen "Much Ado about Nuttin" - Christopher Marlowe's ill-advised foray into the Soft Porn/Hip Hop Musical Genre. Released in the early days of video, it was a victim of it's own pioneering spirit, as it was released on the ye olde Betamax format. We're talking 1983 here guys....It was rubbish by the way, you've missed nuttin. Ha ha...Coincidentally Snoop Dogg's more successful beats and booty effort "Doggystyle" was an adaptation of Billy No-Mates 'Twelfth Night' and was released in 1998 on Laser Disc. The video format of the future. Jazzed up a bit, the plot remained more or less the same as Bill's wacky comic book original, save for the bit where Viola pretends to be her brother Sebastian so she can get into the mens locker room at the castle and spy on their merry bits...... Anyway back to our play, , say what you like, but Shakespeare did not know his hardcore grot from his elbow and the whole she-bang was short of virtually any pornographic content at all unless you get yer rocks off to a nice piece of slippery when wet ye olde verse or pigs tits(don't we all?) But it was fun I'll say that, and in its memory here is a little video shot one afternoon in a horse box that sees us doing our best to pay tribute to the spirits of these wonkey old gents and their fuddy duddy-nonsense writing...

First up is my chum Orlando and mine's entry into the Straight 8 short film contest for this year and was screened as part of the Lions official Selection at the Cannes Film Festival. Say what you like but this heartwarming tale of broken dreams and soaring dreams is destined to become as cherished and beloved a Christmas day telly staple as Diddy Dudley Moore playing an Elf. Drunk. Which in fact was another particularly moving piece of cinematic nostalgia as Dudley Moore was actually my Dad.

Put a Badger in a £1000 Pound suit, and he still looks like Badger. You wouldn't respect him anymore than before. But would he respect himself?

Putting the world to rights is bound to take time. In the next month this blog will be up and running properly. The fact that I am setting an advance date for making plans to sit in the dark and cry onto my keyboard is a bad start, I know. But a date, whereon I intend to commit long term to sitting in my own filth and ranting on the web about the state of the nation, the ingrained racism and snobbery of our fair Isle, of the fall in moral standards and values and of course the best site on the web to watch Gypsies have sex with a pig for a fake passport made out of twigs, spit and two slices of old cheese. (see what I did there? Double bluff and..Oooh Satire! Wait for the bit where I dissect America's foreign policy using the metaphor of the death of Jazz the politically (in)correct and patronising as f*%k break-dancing robot in the Transformers movie. "Jazz was a good Soldier". No he wasn't Optimus Prime. He was a tit.)

Anyway with further due here are some bits and pieces to get 'the party started'. That's the kind of cool thing Jazz would say right?! I don't know what's happening but I gotta get me to a Toys R Us....